Memories That Have Been Seared Into My Brain
by Ripley'sCaress
Summary: If you love someone, truly love them, you should never cause them pain. Never fill their eyes with something so close to grief.


A/N: This is a song fic for my story Bleed Red. Lyrics are from Jerrod Niemann. Excerpts are from the story Bleed Red, some are from future chapters, others are not. Enjoy(:

Ripley

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><p>There was a soft knock on the bathroom door. I sat in the bottom of the tub with the shower still running. I was clean, or as clean as I was going to get. I knew that my skin smelled like soap and me again, but I just couldn't get his smell off me. I kept seeing his face. I kept feeling his arms around me. I'd tried so hard to distance myself, but he kept coming back. The last couple of months flashed before my eyes.<p>

_I couldn't seem to take my eyes away from my phone, even though it had long gone silent. The tell-tale tears had already started streaking down my cheeks. I brushed them away angrily. He'd shaken me, torn me apart. He'd said he'd loved me, but if you love someone, you shouldn't cause them this much grief. _

_**Why'd you call me today with nothing new to say? **_

_**You pretend it's just hello, but you know what it does to me to see your number on the phone.**_

I didn't say anything. The knock came again with a voice. "Hermione, it's Ginny, are you alright?"

I said the only thing I could think to say. "No."

"Can I come in?"

I thought about that, too. I thought about Ginny. She was the closest thing I had to a sister. She hadn't hurt me. The men in my life had. If you could even consider them that.

I started to cry again, softly; She probably wouldn't even be able to tell through the water from the shower.

I could hear Ron's voice as clear as day.

_I never meant to hurt you_.

Draco's voice called out to me.

"_You love him, don't you?"_

**Are you tryin' to bring back the tears or just the memories?**

I did love him. But if you love someone, truly love them, you should never cause them pain. Never fill their eyes with something so close to grief. We'd been hurting each other for years. Even back at Hogwarts, we'd fight and cry and yell until it felt like our lungs should bleed.

"It's okay, Hermione, I understand. You don't want to see me right now." Ginny's voice came from behind the door.

"No," I said. "no, it's okay. Come in."

I could almost feel her hesitate on the other side of the door, and then I heard the door click open. I couldn't see through the shower's frosted door. I heard her walk, and then the door moved, but not to open. She must have sat down on the floor beside the shower, her body bumping part of the door.

"Hey, Hermione," She said.

"Hey," I said, back.

"Is it okay, if I open the door a little?"

I thought about that, too. Finally I said, "Sure."

She opened the back edge of the door, away from the water. I moved my head so I could see her. I was hugging my knees to my chest, my cheek resting on my knees. I looked into her blue eyes and flashed back to looking in the same as of her brother, just a couple of days ago…

_**You keep takin' me back, takin' me back where I've already been**_**.**

_Ron was staring at me, blue eyes wild. He was wearing his Ministry uniform. The claw marks from the other night were still across the right side of his face. The welts had gone down slightly, but he'd be scarred. _

_He was holding his wand tightly in his white knuckled hand. He just stood there in the doorway. _

_I sat on the bed. Neither of us said anything. I wasn't slick and sophisticated enough for this. What do you say to your ex-husband who you're in love with when he finds you in some hotel room, naked? Especially if you're in said hotel room, naked, with you're supposed enemy? Maybe he didn't know Draco was in the shower…_

"_You slept with him, didn't you?" His voice was low, almost soft, as if he was trying very hard not to yell. _

_Nope, he knew._

_My gut tightened. I was not ready for this fight. I knew it was coming but I wanted to ignore it. Ignorance was bliss, after all. _

"_I would say it's not what it looks like, but it is." _

_He strode into the room like an approaching storm, his anger riding before him in a crackling wave. "Don't do this, Ron." I whispered, looking down at my sheet-cladded lap. _

_He stopped, almost literally, in mid-motion. "Why? Don't you like fighting with me, Hermione? This is what we do, after all. This is what our relationship has come down to." _

_I shoved my wand under the pillow and stood, clutching the sheet to me. "Yeah, this is what our supposed relationship has come to, Ron. Me running off in the middle of the night with Draco bloody Malfoy, because I have nowhere else to go. And you know why? Because my 'supposed' ex-husband doesn't have the decency to let me stay at his house, with OUR daughter so some serial killer can't track us down. If our 'supposed' relationship meant anything to you, you would've let me stay."_

**It's almost like I'm losing you again.**

"_So you slept with Malfoy. Oh, that makes perfect sense. A serial killer is trying to kill us all and you decide to fuck Malfoy. That'll solve everything!" _

_I looked at him and felt only anger. If he wanted to fight, by damn he'd come to the right place. "Oh and going off to some dingy pub, getting drunk and going home with some slag while I'm at home trying to take care of our daughter, worrying about you because you'd up and left for some childish reason makes so much more sense!" _

_He shook his head, his face set in stubborn lines. "That was different, Hermione. I wasn't in the right mind, back then."_

"_Yeah, you were so pissed off at your negligent wife, you just weren't thinking straight."_

"_Yeah." _

_The way he said it stopped me, brought my breath up short. "What? You still believe that."_

"_No, but that's how I saw it back then. And no matter how many times I apologize you'll never forgive me." _

_I couldn't meet his eyes on that one. "I can't, Ron. I can't forgive you." I forced myself to look up, to meet his eyes._

"_I don't deserve to be forgiven." Something passed over his face so raw that it brought tears to my eyes. "I just want you back."_

"_You can't want me now, not after last night."_

"_Is that why you did it? Did you think it would keep me away from you?"_

"_I wasn't thinking that clearly," I said, scoffing at the irony._

_He pocketed his wand and gripped the end of the bed. "You slept with him. In this bed. Right here." He put his hand over his eyes as if he was trying to erase an image inside his head. _

_He screamed wordlessly. _

_The shower turned off. Oh, Merlin, please don't let him come out here._

_I took a step towards Ron, hand out, and stopped. How could I comfort him? What could I say to make this better? I couldn't. _

_He jerked at the bottom sheet, tugging it until it came loose. He grabbed the top mattress and pulled it off the bed. The bathroom door swished open, causing the harsh florescent light to shine out at us. _

_Draco stood there, his hand on the towel around his waist. _

"_Get back in the bathroom, Draco." I warned, keeping my eyes on Ron's shaking form._

_Ron turned his head slowly, glaring at Draco. _

"_Get. Back. In. The. Bathroom." I said through gritted teeth. _

_The door closed slowly, leaving Ron and I alone again. _

_He kept staring at the now closed bathroom door, his blue eyes hard and unreadable._

"_Ron…" I whispered._

_He took an unsteady step towards me. I backed away until I hit the corner, and I had nowhere else to go. I was still clutching the sheet around me like it was some kind of protection. _

_I held out a hand towards him, as if that would help. "What do you want from me, Ron? What do you want me to say? I'm sorry. I am sorry that I hurt you, but you did the same thing to me." _

**Can't you see? So what do you want, what do you want from me?**

_He stalked towards me, not saying anything, hands balled into fists. I realized that I was afraid of Ron. That I wasn't sure what he'd do when he reached me. I could always scream for Draco but that'd probably be a bad idea. _

_Ron grabbed the front of the sheet, balling it in his fist, jerking me against him. He used the sheet to raise me to tiptoe. He kissed me. For a second I froze. Hitting, yelling, that I'd expected, not this._

_His mouth bruised against my lips, forcing my mouth open. The moment I felt his tongue, I jerked my head back. _

_Ron put a hand on the back of my head like he'd force me to kiss him. The rage on his face was frightening._

"_Not good enough anymore, am I?"_

"_You don't deserve me anymore."_

_He let go so suddenly I fell to the floor, stumbling over the sheet. I tried to get to my knees, but my legs tangled. The sheet slipped over one breast. I struggled to cover myself. Embarrassed at last._

"_A couple nights ago, we were together. We fell asleep together, naked, and now you won't even let me see you."_

"_Don't do this, Ron."_

_He went to all fours in front of me, so we'd be on eye level. "Don't do what? Don't be mad that you let a fucking Malfoy sleep with you?" He crawled forward until our faces were almost touching. "You fucked a death eater last night, Hermione. Was it worth it?"_

_I stared at him from inches away, not embarrassed anymore. Instead, I was getting pissed. "Yeah, it was."_

_He jerked back from me like I'd hit him. His face crumpled, and his eyes searched the room frantically. "I love you." He looked up suddenly, eyes wide and pain-filled. "I love you."_

_I kept my eyes very wide so the tears in them wouldn't fall out and run down my cheeks. "I know, and I'm sorry."_

_He turned away from me, still knelling. He slapped his hands against the floor. He pounded his hands into the floor over and over until blood smeared the carpet._

_I got to my feet. I hovered over him, afraid to touch him. "Ron, Ron, don't, please don't." The tears fell and I couldn't stop them._

_I knelt beside him. "You're hurting yourself. Stop it!" I grabbed his wrists, held his bleeding hands in mine. He stared at me, and the look on his face was raw, human._

_I touched his face, gently tracing the claw marks. He leaned into me, tears spilling down his cheeks. The look in his eyes held me immobile. His lips brushed mine, soft. I didn't flinch, but I didn't kiss him back, either. _

_He moved back from me, just enough to see my face clearly. "Good-bye, Hermione." He got to his feet._

_I wanted to say so much, but none of it would help. Nothing would make it better. Nothing would erase what had happened between us or how it had torn us apart. "Ron….I….I'm sorry."_

"_So am I." He walked to the door. He hesitated with his hand on the doorknob. "I'll always love you."_

_I opened my mouth, but no sounds came. There was nothing left to say but, "I love you, Ron, and I am sorrier than I know how to say."_

_He opened the door and stepped through it without looking back. When the door closed behind him, I sat on the floor, huddled in the sheet. I could smell Draco's cologne but I could smell Ron now, too. His aftershave clung to me, to my mouth._

_How could I let him go like this?_

_How could I call him back?_

_I sat on the floor and did nothing, because I didn't know what to do._

I was crying again. Ginny came into the shower, fully-clothed and held me. She rocked us back and forth, the steaming water soaking through her clothes. I screamed out my pain and she held me. She held me through it all. If I'd been standing my knees wouldn't have held me. Ginny's arms stayed tightly around me until the screaming quieted and the tears fell unconsciously.

I was supposed to be the rock here, not her. I wasn't supposed to be sitting here, huddled under the hot water, hiding from a fate that was my life.

Ginny leaned over to see my face.

"Your face looks so lost."

I barked a laugh, or maybe it was a sob. I didn't know anymore. "I am lost…"

**I get so tired of living like this.  
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**I don't have the time, neither do my friends,  
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**To stay up at night, to pull me through,  
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**And to find the things to keep my mind off of you.**


End file.
